Sunday, January 15, 2012

Onward, ever onward...

Hello all my beautiful friends!

      Well, to be fair, this has been an unusually rocky week for me in a lot of ways, but also a VERY inspiring one! I have been meeting so many lovely souls online, reading in blogs, watching on YouTube, and I must admit, I am smitten with many new people! Some major changes have come to our household this weekend, this week, this month... 2012... and as a result, I am re-working what I am doing, and am learning to go with the flow. I heard in a video this week that the universe flows in one direction, which is positive and vibrant, and downstream, and easy... it is not meant for this life to be hard, to be distressing, to be focused on want and wish and not haves.

      This is where it's tricky: that means that when we (me, actually) are fighting to do it right, to be perfect at this or that... trying to be perfect at losing weight, to be amazing at inspiring others, to be painfully aware constantly of how hard I must push myself to be where I declare I must be by a specific goal time or whatever, that is the striving, the push to swim upstream, the fight to be the best, that this world, this society, this time we live in, creates for us to be. We do not do this out of our own inner desire to be healthy and happy and lovely and spiritual and free... it is to be the best. To win. To prove. To not look "bad". To constantly feel that we are winning the losing battle we will always be in if we continually try to fight that which is inevitable, which is that:  

we are in control of our reality. not our weight, not the cute guy who thought we were fat, not the pretty girl who looks so fashionable in clothes which are 100 sizes smaller than ours, not the pounds of food we have eaten to console our lonely and sad souls because we never seem to get where we say we want to be because we always set goals bigger than mt. everest to climb and barely start walking to reach them then give up... (oh wait, me again... sorry for the freak out...) 
What I am trying to say is this:   
Let me say that again, in a more clear way:  


     You may have heard this before, maybe even thought you "knew that already", but did you really? I mean, did you REALLY consider what that means?

Well, let me share with you what it means to me:

it means that all those times I write out my "plan" for the next few months to lose 100lbs and plot out every second, but only get so far as the plot, it's my own fault.

it means when I look in the mirror when I am sitting down and I see my fat roll of my stomach sitting on my thunder thighs and I merely think, that is so disgusting, but then grab a couple Hershey's kisses from the Christmas candy stash on the way out the door, it's my own fault.

it means when I say I'm going to get up at 5:30 in the morning every morning to go to the gym for an hour, but then I hit snooze on my alarm clock 50 times until then I am actually late to work instead, it's my own fault.

it means when I say this is my last year, my last summer, my last month, being FAT, and then I turn around and I cook the same fatty, salty, foods I always do and eat supersized restaurant style portions and feel gross afterwards, it's my own fault.

it means that when I get embarassed when I am on the treadmill at the gym because my shirt rides up and my fat begins to show because it shakes all around so I avoid cardio afterwards, but then don't seem to lose weight fast enough, it's my own fault.

it means when I am being intimate with my husband and I am more busy thinking of what he might be feeling than how it actually feels, it's my own fault.

it means when I haven't worn shorts, or a tank top, or a bathing suit, or a dress in public without major reinforcements underneath, or long shirts over, or towels wrapped around thinking I am really hiding underneath all that, but am really only fooling myself, it's my own fault.

it means when I say I want to have a baby and not create any further issues that may arise due to my OBESITY after my husband's vasectomy reversal, but never actually get to the goals I set for myself, it's my own fault.

it means that when I am frustrated because I have to stop and pull my "fat-sucker-inner" tank top down, and my "fat-sucker-inner" undies up, and my jeans up over said fat rolls, and then my underwear out of my ass whenever I get out of the car or up from sitting down or anything, before I can walk, it's my own fault.

it means that when I go to an amusement park, or a movie theater, or a restaurant, or on an airplane, or pretty much anywhere that there is a molded chair made to fit a normal ass, and I am uncomfortable, or worse, unable to ride because I just don't fit because the ride guy can't get the bar down over my ample busom and stomach, (yes, it really happened), IT'S. MY. OWN. FAULT.

It is. I know it is. Deep down I have ALWAYS known it was. But I never really wanted it enough to fix it. Sure, I have wanted it for a time, and I have fixed it for a time, but then I never really changed, I only put a bandaid on it. (More on that later... I'll be posting my history on here soon...) And then, I just go right back where I was, or worse, even further, up the stream, fighting with the girl inside and shutting her up with chocolate. And the universe says, your wish is my command. And I become fatter and fatter all over again. So, when I hear the words, You Create Your Own Reality... I have to be really brutally honest with my arguing self and say yes, I think that's correct. I have to admit, I have never REALLY decided what I wanted, and I have never REALLY determined what I was willing to GIVE UP to get there. So, that's where I am. I realize, I am my only superhero. Super Jamie. I've got to rescue my own self. No one is coming for me. I must be the motivation I say I need. I must be the person who pushes myself to get up out of bed when cuddling next to my abnormally warm hubby feels so much nicer. I have to do this. And it's only up to me. It's only up to ME. No one else can do it for me. So there you have it.The harsh, blatant truth. I have to DECIDE what I want and then move in the direction of that decision. If I decide I want to live a healthier life and I am in tune with that decision through continual thoughts about it and revisiting my goals, well then I am flowing with it. I am moving the right direction and I will naturally begin to think and act in the manner I am deciding I want my live to be going. But it I say I want this, then I think of all the stuff I have to give up, or how hard it might be, or how awful it is that I am going through this, or why didn't I get this figured out when I was younger, or the best one: How come I have to be the one in this situation? Well, then, I am only creating more negative feeling, more resistance, more animosity over the entire situation which only leads to what? Fighting to swim up stream. Which is exhausting, by the way, and so you give up and then you are left where? Back at square one. Well, I don't want to be at square one anymore. And I have to really mean that, I mean, REALLY mean it.

So, there you have it folks. I meant it when I said this year, 2012, is the end of MY WORLD, and I wasn't exactly sure what I really meant by it then. But, I am now. And I'm ready.